Log #5

Talking about exploring ourselves, the first thought that pops into my mind is "this is indeed a hard topic!".

I (or for most people) tend to think that we are the one who understands ourselves the best. But as I grew older, I started to question myself a lot. I began to realize that things were not as simple as I what thought back when I was still a kid. The world has taken its turn, the society has played its role and unfortunately, they turned out to affect the identity of those who were just as LOST as I AM.

To exaggerate, which I am not, the past three years of my life were like riding a roller coaster. Stuff was happening so fast, too fast for me to even keep the track of it. It was like someone kept pushing the fast forward button of my life and before I knew it, I was faced with depression. The depression has literally started to taken over the substitute role of my own shadow. I am losing my purpose of living. I've been through the journey of losing all of my passions to finding a new passion just for losing it again. Sometimes, I even question my existence and meaning of living. I felt like being in the center of the gravity where everything in this world is moving around rapidly but you.

But of course, no matter what happen, the world keeps marching forward and so do I. Because if I am not the one to be responsible for myself, who else will? So I force myself to crawl back from the pit of darkness and trying to find myself back. So many things had been put on the stake, I lost a lot, but wonderful things are sure to follow. It is a long and hard journey indeed and I am working my way through it.
So I think this was a very good project and also my chance to explore more of my unplumbed aspects.

Ps: I think I have found myself a very suitable book to read. The book is "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul kalanithi. (The book has just arrived this morning so I haven't get the chance to read it)

It is a story about his memoirs and his battle towards illness. I hope that through reading his story will make me feel much more grateful for the life I am having now.