Log #5

I really like the materials that I've learned during reading class, especially the TED talk by Brene Brown. Thus, I listened to the talk again and another TED talk delivered by her as well. Both of the talks gave me a whole new perspective on one of the incidents that had a great impact on my life. 

When I graduated from high school, I had great expectation for my college life. I expected to meet new people, to fall in love, to be active in various clubs. Nonetheless, things didn't go well. I suddenly gained almost 20 kilograms less than three months, even though I rarely eat anything. My period stopped coming and I had bad skin condition. Later, my mom took me to the hospital to see what happened. I remembered how nerve wracking it was waiting for the nurse to call my name and waiting for the doctor to tell me what went wrong with my body. When the doctor told me that I'm diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I was calmed. I thought I should be strong and fight with this stupid syndrome. However, I began to feel extremely depressed. I cried almost every day with no reason. I skipped classes and went back home, doing nothing. Moreover, I was afraid of going out because I didn't want to bump into my old friends and having them judging me for being fat. I even wanted to quit one of my favorite things, dancing, because I lost my confidence and I was shame of myself. One afternoon, as usual, I skipped classes and went back home. My mom was sitting in the living room, looking serious. She told me that it's okay to be vulnerable and to be sad but it's not okay to give up on yourself. At that time, we both cried and I promised my mom that I would pull myself together.

Even though PCOS won't disappear, even though I will have to live with it for the rest of my life, I'm okay with it. Sometimes I will feel vulnerable and shame of that syndrome but I guess like Brene said during her talk, vulnerability is that path for change. I couldn't possibly be perfect and bulletproof but at least as long as I have people who care about me standing by my side, everything will be okay.

Resource: 

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=zh-tw#t-1200379

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame#t-1200567