Log #5

        

        We are asked to talk about ourselves in our final presentation, so l thought I would talk about one of my vulnerabilities in this log.

I used to love writing. LOVED. I wrote all the time. I wrote while I was at home, in cram school, and I even wrote while I was in class. Until my classroom teacher took away the notebook I used to write my stories, and told me later that she thought my stories were inappropriate for my age. Yes, she read my stories without my permission and she refused to return it back to me. I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and angry. That was the first time I started to feel like I didn’t like writing. 

Also, I remember being given low scores on my essays while I was in high school, especially by my Chinese teacher in my senior year. She would always give me low grades because she didn't like my writing styles, and she would make fun of my essay in front of people. One time I remember particularly clear was the time I shared a personal story of mine, but she gave a really low score on it because she thought it was “too dramatic to be true”. I was very hurt since I felt like I poured my heart out to write this essay, but I was not trusted.

        Recently, I have been caught in a similar situation again. I am said that "I write like I talk", which I agreed. Which I don't agree is that people not appreciating my efforts of trying to be better. It just brings me back to the old times where I felt like I was less than anyone, I was not good enough, and that I just couldn't do anything right.

Again and again, those people who were hired by the schools to educate me ruined a part of me. To me, educating should be able helping students become better people, and truth be told, I think a lot of teachers from public schools don’t really pay much attention to a certain student’s personality while they only focusing on all the rules and tests they have for students. They don’t adapt their teaching method for certain students. Sadly, I was always that kind of student who couldn’t take punches well. I was always motivated by encouragement; therefore, when I was criticized like that, I simply just lost passion in writing. I wish there could have been someone telling me that I wasn't THAT bad, but no. No one ever did so.

That is why I don’t write anymore. In fact, writing scares me nowadays. Whenever I need to write an essay, I freak out. I could not construct words into paragraphs well anymore because I am too scared that I would get criticized again. It sounds ridiculous but it is true. I do not enjoy writing anymore and this is one of the saddest things that ever happened to me. I wish everything could have been better. I wish teachers could have been nicer to my writings since there should not be any correct answers. 

        Sadly, any "I wish" or "what if" would not change this. It is what it is, and it will be a vulnerability of mine forever.