Log #6

　　To be honest, every time when I hear other classmates talking about their dreams passionately and how they pave the way for dreams, I feel small and unconfident because I find no ways to go. As I remember, I haven’t been like this, so insecure before the college. I used to know the goals, what I exactly want to pursue and how hard I should work so that it can take me to where I want to go.

　　In fact, I set the goal to enter National Taiwan Tech when I was only in junior high school. I know it sounds crazy, but I really did. I hated math. My physics and chemistry were poor. I knew that I wasn’t suitable for regular high school. Among all the subject, English is always my favorite and what I am good at. Therefore, speaking of another stage after junior high, I made up my mind to go to vocational high school and major in English. And for vocational high school students, National Taiwan Tech is best university to go. So when most of my classmates were thinking about having fun in life, I was pictured the way to my ideal university. The class I belonged to was notorious in school. Almost every teacher gave up teaching and leading us to right direction except for my homeroom teacher. The moment I realized that under such situation if I couldn’t be self-discipline, I would ruin my future, I knew that I was the only one I could rely on. As a result, I studied so hard at that time. Due to that the in class atmosphere was too noisy and messy, I slept in class, went to cram school and stayed up late studying. After I went to my ideal vocational high school, I still worked so hard to make my Taiwan Tech dream come true. During those time, I was only thinking about one thing: study harder and harder and harder as I could; those future things could wait until I really entered my ideal college.

　　And I am here now, but I am lost. This is where I dreamed about, I pictured all the way to university, but I didn’t picture the rest of it. I know college life is the critical stage that will decide my future, and I should spend time making myself a better person, cultivating irreplaceable profession and preparing for the future. Just because of it, I am so afraid to face the music. I started to attend various activities and school clubs to make my life more colorful and meaningful. Please don’t take it in the wrong way, I did learn a lot from them. However, I thought it is a way to guide me; I realized it may be the way for me to escape from the reality. I find myself unconsciously refuse to think about the future and ideal career. I find myself afraid of making decision. Sometimes, I even convince myself that it’s too early for me to worry about that even though I know it’s not truth. Therefore, when other classmates discuss their future plan, I feel embarrassed because I have nothing in mind, nothing to tell. I don’t know the answer any more. So when doing Gloria’s project last semester, it was actually tough for me. For this, I think I would never forget what my mother once told me when we having conversation about my future. She said “You are the girl always with plans, I am never worried about you. But now, you seem like a new person to me, not the one that I used to know.” It truly hurt when I heard it. Yet those words are like the lyrics; they're coming like a wrecking ball. I know it's about time for me to get back on my feet. I should not procrastinate any longer. There are two years left. I can do nothing, or I can do many things. I am still confused, but I started to face it, try to picture the rest part. It's hard but I am trying.

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