Log #7

        Some people say that if you want to learn to love someone, you have to learn to love yourself at first. Few days ago, I just got home with nothing but tiredness, thinking about having a hot shower to relieve both my body and my mind. I like to think when showering. In the bathroom, I stood in front of a mirror, stared at the girl in the mirror, looked into the girl’s eyes. I saw through her inner part, filled with unconfience, insecurity, confusion, mess. I knew it at the moment, I disliked her. Yes, I dislike who I am now. Then so many “why” popped up in my mind. Why don’t I like myself? Why would I become the person I don’t like? Therefore, recently, I’ve been thinking about those why and my weaknesses.

        After past difficult time with hard work, I finally entered my ideal university. How come I become a person I don’t like and the person who are getting more and more unconfident and confused? To figured it out, I read many blogs from other classmates because I wanted to know how others explore themselves and learn form them. I am really touched from some blogs and feel better because I know I am not alone and there are partners facing same difficulties as I am. I am also impressed that so many classmates are really good at telling stories and reflecting. Many of them have well cultivated independent and critical thinking, which is what I lack of. Knowing this, I feel more unconfident. But in the meantime, I started to thinking about why some of them are so good at those abilities (independent and critical thinking, story- telling) and why I am not. Recently, I've read some articles related to how to cultivate independent thinking and connections between read and think. I found it is actually related to the capability of thinking and reflecting. So I realized that it somehow results from I am the person who has stopped thinking, stopped writing, stopped reflecting for so long. As I what I’ve mentioned in the last blog, I participate in different school clubs, holding various activities to make my life more colorful, meaningful yet busy as well. However, frankly speaking, busy as I am, I don’t really understand the meaning towards everything I dedicate to because I don’t meditate sometimes; or even I do, I don’t write those thoughts down. I let it be. I let life be. And I gradually realized that’s the problem. I usually let ideas stay in mind instead of organized them and write them down because I see it too troublesome. And thoughts which aren’t noted down are usually not be narrowed down or organized, either; therefore, they may stay in mind in a messy way and easily fade away with time passing. I am thinking that the above may be reasons why I am poor at independent thinking, and even poor at reflecting, which make me feel unconfident and ignorant in front of others.

        In fact, I do embrace the importance of reflection for human beings in life. Reflection reminds us of living more than just alive. It rouses our anger, sympathy, thirst, our all kinds of feelings, guiding us to find the meanings beyond surface. So when seeing a movie or reading a novel, what audiences really gain are more than the stories and the plots but also ideas and metaphor hidden in the words. Because we see, we feel, we reflect, so we would know who we really are and make improvement, make us better people. I’ve stopped writing reflection from movies, from books, from details in life for a quite a while. Now realizing such situation, I’ll try to back to write for the ability of reflecting.