Log #6

Top 3 things that I fear: darkness, ghosts and death.

Have you ever been filled up with fear, anxiety, loneliness and helplessness at the same time?

2 weeks ago, I was told that there would be shooting stars. What an exciting news! So, I grabbed my camera and camera stand instantly and went all the way to Qingtiangang Grassland. I arrived there at about 00:07. At first, I did saw some stars. Then, the clouds began to be thicker and thicker. I thought the sight might be clearer if I stay there for a while. So, I stayed. And that's when things got out of hand. After taking some pictures, I went back to the parking lot and sat on my bike to wait. Then, I saw the clouds from far away came closer as it began to turn into fog. I could feel the air became damper and damper. The air became so thick that even light can't penetrate it. I could even see my shadow projected in the air. I started to feel the water in the air started to condense on my hair. After a while, my hair became all wet. And so did my clothes. So I gave up waiting on my bike, got myself back to the grassland, found myself a pavilion, and started to look into the void. Yes, literally, the void. All the things that you could see before became outlines, and then nothing. At around 2:00 AM, I could see nothing, even my finger. At around 2:30 AM, another crowd of people came to the pavilion, and started to tell stories about ghosts. Great, I was already in great fear, and here came the crowd saying things that I afraid of. After they were done telling the stories and started to move on their way, I could no longer stay in the pavilion. I felt my fears started to become phobias. At around 3:00 AM, I could no longer bear the fear inside my mind. I tried to escape. Escape from what's inside me, avoiding the truth that I'm such a coward. I started my bike's engine, turned on all the lights on it, and fumbled out of the parking lot. And I gave up again. This time, it was not about fear, it was about safety. The fog was so thick that even yellow light, which is considered to have the best ability to penetrate the fog, could deal nothing with it. I came back to the parking lot at around 3:20 AM. And sat on a stair in the grassland. I gave up. I gave up escaping from the phobias. I forced myself to face it since there's no way to run.Suddenly, I was filled with fear, anxiety, loneliness and helplessness at the same time. I looked up all the contacts in my phone and found no one to call. I felt...sad. No big deal, just sad. I discovered that if you really are in an extreme situation, you won't have any complicated emotions, only the simplest ones. And then I did one thing that I have wanted to do all the time, meditating. Cleared up my mind, felt my thoughts go through everywhere in my body. A joyful feeling came up. After that, I felt my fears are gone. I started to feel the environment, such as listening to the nature, other people's voice, the temperature and the water in the air. At around 4:30 AM, the lights came out. Finally, there's light. And the rest of the time is only waiting the road's situation get better and going down the mountain.

I've lost so many chances to talk with myself, or, my self, the other me. I found myself keep avoiding this, which is such an important thing to do. You won't know what you really like, hate, want, want to get rid of and the most important one, FEAR. I might still be afraid of the 3 things, but I know, next time, when I'm facing these thing, I know how do deal with it.