What I Learned About Death
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life." - Steve Jobs (1955~2011)
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life." - Steve Jobs (1955~2011)
The past two weeks had been one of the toughest periods of times in my life. I was suffering from the pressure of my position in TEDx and the money that I waste on a pack of cigarettes. I was not aware of how much impact both these decisive factors would cause until I actually thought about ending my 19 years and 5 months of life. It may literally sounds ridiculous and unbelievable, considering the fact that I will have a bright future - so the one who cares about me said - which ultimately leads me to a better life; therefore, I should never give up on myself. However, after the chaotic mass and millions of times of mental treatments, I thought the decision to suicide was probably the most valuable thing that I learn in my college life.
I'm not afraid of telling other people about the anxiety disorder and the depression that I have. Nevertheless, I was told that I had never actually regard the importance and the consequence as a significant element which might cause me to death. My doctor always asks me to take pills on time and put even more effort in my works in order to distract my attention. I find it useless, because I still think about dozens of ways to kill myself and when I should execute the decision. Horrifying it may sounds, I have never jumped of a building, and I will probably never do it.
When a famous person dies, everyone begins to mourn and states how sad the incident is; when a normal citizen, like you and me, dies, the society may criticize how untrustworthy he or she is. The death of the female writer was indeed a tragedy, but it reminds us of how much impact one's death may cause to the people who loved her, and even the whole society. If I ever end my life, I will fail my parent's expectation, my friends' beliefs and even my girlfriend - who brought me back on the right track. I do not care about how this society may see me, but I shall never fail the ones who love me. Yes, my life will end, and I have no clue when things may go down. However, knowing that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
I have had one student who was about to cross over the window of the dorm just a couple of days of our annual (graduation) play. He found his pressure unbearable; this pressure was worsened due to the secret of being gay, a secret he confessed to his brother and only got a cold shoulder. I was the only one he was willing to talk to and he finally gave up on that jump... He later was severely bullied in the army, which was another close call... With luck, his parents eventually accepted the fact that he was gay, as well as his partner. Though still on medication, he is now content with his marriage and a humble job as a script writer. Marcus, I don't know how to make you give up on your continuous suicidal attempts, for I am not professional in this regard, but life can be so beautiful when you are willing to make a turn in your mind. There are cases that victims of heavy depression survive and now are able to help people using their own experiences. Hope you can be one of them.
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