Log #7

I’ve been thinking about what to write down in my newest log, and it’s taken me quite a while to decide that I want to talk about my future. We are required to talk about ourselves in our finals, and it has stimulated me to do a lot of thinking recently. The truth is that, in fact, I don’t know what to do with my future.

A lot of my friends have been talking about what they are going to do in the near future or even further than that, and they have all sounded so certain they have found what they want. I, on the contrary, have been so confused. I have had a part time job now in a political magazine company named Douwai for more than a year now. Even though I am not in the editing department, I have learned a lot from the office, that is, the way to interact with people, especially people you don’t necessarily like. Being in an office is like the reality hitting on me. I am a person who is clear with who I like and who I don’t like, but the society doesn’t allow me to do so. I have learned to respect people I don’t like, not trying to talk behind their backs even when they do (not that I have ever done that, I believe that is very low-class). Most importantly, I am inspired by one of my bosses very much. She is elegant, hard-working, incredibly intelligent, and she is just an amazing leader, and I always admire a classy woman who knows what she wants on both work and personal aspects.

I remember she invited me into her office to have a talk last year July. Her idea was to find out what I want in the future, so she could see what she could offer to help me. She started the talk by talking about her own story. She said she had a part time job in a magazine company in Southern America when she was 16, and every time an incident happened, she was always the first one rushing to the scene, trying to figure out what happened. She told me one time they told her a dead body was found by the river, so rushed to the scene. Nonetheless, her first reaction seeing the body was not being scared but curious about what happened to the person before he died. And she said that was the moment when she realized she was born to be a reporter. She now has been an official reporter for White house for more than a decade, and she said the point for me is to find my own “moment”.

Therefore, the question arrived. How do I find my moment? And the truth is for the past 6 months I have been seeking for the answer, but there is none. And it is scary. Throughout the 20 years of my life, I have never been really good at anything. I like all lot of things like, drawing, writing, and more, but I am not necessarily good at any of that.

I am terrified of ending up being mediocre. What if I am mediocre? What if this is it? I certainly don’t want to be that kind of women who get married right after graduating college and becoming housewives ever since. Not that I don’t respect people who make that kind of choice, just deep down I know that is not me, that is not my destiny. I want to always want more. I don’t need to be rich, but I want to be able to enjoy a little bit when I want to (Jokingly, just like my favorite comic Ali Wong claimed that she wanted to “be able to take a stroll on the sidewalk, see a quarter on the ground, and just keep on walking, like a princess”). I want to have a job that I would not mind working overtime. I want to still be passionate with my life 20 years later. I want to look back 10 years later and know that I didn’t have regrets and I didn’t waste my time on something I don’t want. I know so much, the only thing I don’t know is what I should/want to do in the future to achieve all the things I mentioned above.

I wish I know what to do. I wish I was at least gifted in some aspects. I wish there would be someone to tell me everything would be fine because this is the time when I really need some good advice.